Well, just to be honest, not much of anything has been going on lately—nothing of much merit anyway. Honestly, it’s the same old shit: fighting with my (ex?)girlfriend; drinking; eating; wasting time; working out; reading and sleeping. Hell, what else is there to do? You know, I can’t think of any time in my life, save for maybe when I was a teenager, in which I literally just wasted time and was not productive at all. Sadly, that’s the fucking norm here and I don’t know what to make of it. It’s one thing I love, but it’s also one thing I hate. Eh, things always seem to be that way so nothing is new I suppose.
On somewhat of a positive note, I have picked up my reading and writing again. I guess I’ve found motivation from my experiences—good, bad, ridiculous and everything in between—and the thoughts and ideas have just been spewing forth lately. Now, I haven’t got around to publishing hardly any of them save for a few video blogs because they are rather personal, private and definitely not appropriate for public consumption. However, I told myself I would make a conscious effort to tone it down for once and make something consumable for the public at large. I’ve started off well enough but we’ll see how it ends.
Anyway, let’s just skip right to the personal shit: my health is quite possibly in the shitter. I never thought I’d actually write that—especially not at my age—but I’m afraid it’s true. I’ve been ill more times during this contract run that I have in probably the past few years. On top of that, I’ve got five more months to go. That’s a lot of opportunities for ills to befall me and I’m sure something will. At the moment, and I’ll be rather candid, I’m worried about cancer. I don’t know why, but I just feel like something bad is going to happen and while this isn’t the worst place to get deathly ill, it certainly isn’t the best either. I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m not sleeping the best, I drink too much, I’ve yet to follow through on my pledge to completely stop smoking, I’ve got too much free time, too little alone time and far too much stress (self-induced of course) and too many worries to remain healthy. Eh, we’ll wait and see what happens while hoping for the best.
Aside from my physical health, my emotional state has been nothing short of a rollercoaster the past few months. One day, I’m high as a kite and the next day I’m buried in the ground. It’s baffling how that happens, but when you try and date an Indonesian woman, I’ve accepted that this is par for the course. When it’s good, it’s great but when it’s bad, it’s horrible. Unfortunately, we tend to remember and hold to the bad memories much more tightly than the good ones. That’s sad, but I’m afraid it’s human nature.
It’s not that I’m knocking anyone who tries to cross cultures and make it work, but unless you find an Indonesian who has either grown up in a forward-thinking society, has a foreign parent or has studied or worked abroad extensively (all of which I’ve yet to find myself), in my opinion, it’s destined for failure. It’s so much more than just language and culture issues. There are divides so large that I don’t even address them and if I do, I just waste my time, breath and energy. Seriously, it’s a futile effort and I’ve given up. Forward planning isn’t even on the radar. Respect for private time, quiet time and any time that doesn’t involve your partner isn’t even an afterthought. Got a job and responsibilities? Don’t worry because those don’t mean anything either. If you don’t drop it all and respond to that SMS or answer the endless phone calls right then, there will be hell to pay.
I could write a novel about the mobile phone obsession here but it’s so pervasive and part of the culture that it’s sickening. If you go out with your friends, or even your partner, and you expect them to pay attention to you well, you are sadly mistaken friend. Believe me when I say that BlackBerry chat is far more important than you will ever be. Taking a self-portrait in the dark without the flash while locked in a ludicrous pose takes precedence over the other people you’re with and the other people around you. Now, if you happen to send or receive an SMS or telephone call, you’ll be expected to divulge all information about the conversation or you’ll be accused of lying, cheating, keeping secrets or worse. However, if you do the same, you’ll be scolded and ridiculed for being curious and asking too many questions. Make much sense? No, I didn’t think so.
Oh, and if you think your privacy will be respected—forget it. Leave your phone unattended for just long enough to take a shower and all your messages, sent and received, will have been read and forwarded for public discussion later at your expense. Now, logically you will want to protest but if you do, you’ll be told that there’s no way they would’ve known without checking your phone and a whole host of other nonsensical excuses that will leave you confused, mouth agape and head-in-hand. And last but not least, when you want to go out on your own and hangout with your friends, you can forget that as well because it’s assumed that your talking badly and gossiping endlessly and we couldn’t have that now could we? Once again, fail to divulge all information in explicit detail and there will be hell to pay.
Now, I’ve had some good times and good fun (clean and not so clean) in my days but it was never worth putting up with shit like this. I could go on and make a lot of excuses about this and that, but it’s useless. When did the days of having a decent meal, a few beers and a good time end? Has reality somehow passed me by without my knowledge? If this is all there is left, what’s the point? Getting angry for no reason and remaining angry serves what purpose? Inventing problems from nothing and making accusations out of nowhere serves what purpose? Being absurdly jealous, possessive, controlling, demanding, accusative, overprotective, selfish, dominating and clingy serves what purpose? It definitely doesn’t impress me that’s for sure.
I know I sound bitter and what not, but I’m merely being honest. This has been the best experience I’ve ever had in this country and I wouldn’t change it for anything. It has made so many things crystal clear. It would’ve taken me years to realize this many things on my own. It’s the kind of knowledge you can’t get from a book—you’ve just got to live it, see it and feel it for yourself. For that, I am eternally grateful. How the future will shake out is still anyone’s guess, but I’ve got my assumptions. It’s too soon to say too much, but well, I’d say that changes will be in store. Eh, I’ve been wrong before—too many times before.
