Honestly, what the hell was I thinking? If I ever accept another job where I must get out of bed at 5.30, someone please shake me, kick me or whatever it takes to make me see the light. Aside from a few drunken antics, it’s probably the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. Every day that I roll over to silence my alarm, I curse myself for what I’ve done. And it won’t end until at least November—fuck.
There are a few good things about being up early: it’s not hot; traffic isn’t so bad, I feel mildly more productive and I finish in time to enjoy the afternoon. However, is it worth the struggle of rising just before the sun is up? The answer is a resounding “fuck no”. I thoroughly enjoy staying up late and sleeping late. While on holiday, I didn’t get up before 10.00 on any day unless there was a train or bus to catch. Sorry, that’s just how I am. Some things you just can’t change.
I’m finding it a bit tough to readjust this time. It’s not just the sleeping, but a lot of other things as well. It really became clear to me how restricted, tied down and isolated I feel. I guess I never thought much about the insane and archaic immigration laws here until I was gone. Chatting with people working other places really put things in perspective for me. It makes me wonder what the hell I’ve done and why I’ve done it. Not that I anticipate problems and what not, but still. Life can change quickly. You just never know.
If things were to take a drastic shift for the worst, I could potentially be supremely fucked and out in the cold (figuratively of course since it’s anything but that). Anyway, I guess in my periods of boredom, frustration and drunken thinking, I’ve thought of a few thousand scenarios to improve my life—none of which would be so easy all things considered. To make a long story short, I’m stuck for a bit no matter how many ways I try and trick myself otherwise.
Now, is that to say I’m unhappy and looking for a way out? Well, yes and no. On a positive note, my personal life is in the midst of making a massive swing into the positive and if things go well on that front, I’ll probably scrap all this nonsense and everything will be fine. However, if disaster is imminent, it won’t be so easy to sit idly by for much longer. November is a long goddamn way off and I don’t get another long holiday until June. Can I hold out that long? Fuck, I hope so.
I guess meeting some new friends and hearing their experiences got my blood pumping a bit. The excitement has been ramped up, I return and now it’s just a major letdown. Thinking about the future is really all that’s keeping me together at this point. The thoughts of once again living somewhere that hasn’t been brainwashed by religion and how sex, drugs, drinking, rock ‘n’roll, showing some skin and being yourself is inherently a bad thing— you can smoke till your fucking silly, but have a beer and fuck your neighbor, well, your going to hell for that—is supremely enticing.
How happy would I be if I could sleep till 10.00, work in the afternoon or early evening, pop off from work after dark, head out for dinner and some drinks and then come home and do as I please? Man, I’d be as happy as a pedophile at the playground. With any luck, this will happen soon. For now, I guess I’ll settle. Well, until I run out of books to read. I’m fucked after that—and with any luck, literally.
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