Tick Tock

I’m going on a bender for a while. Yep, I said it. I’m absolutely, positively fed the fuck up with nearly everything around me. Everything I do, say, think, feel and write is just wrong—fucking wrong. Therefore, I’m going to withdraw and just enjoy my serenity alone for a bit. I need it, I want it and I crave it. I want to hole up somewhere alone for a while with nothing but a book, a little food, a lot of booze and just forget about everything.

I don’t know why I think and feel this way. Sometimes I wonder what it is that’s getting me down. Is it work? Is it people? Is it this place? Is it life in general? I haven’t got any answers and I don’t want any answers. I merely want it to go away. I want my happiness and peacefulness back. I want this anger and resentment to leave immediately, but I don’t know what to do to cure it because I don’t know what’s causing it.

I often wonder if I’d be better off now had I gone with my original plan not to return to Indonesia and gone to Kyrgyzstan instead. Maybe I’d be happier and better off, but then again, maybe not. All I know is that now, the only thing I can think about is getting out of this city. I hesitate to say the country, but I don’t hesitate to say this city. It’s slowly killing me in more than one way. How and why someone would voluntarily choose to live here is beyond my comprehension. Maybe if you’ve never known and experienced anything different I can understand it, but for me, I cannot and I never will.

I yearn to fulfil my original dreams again whereas before, I was coasting. I was looking at life from a different perspective, but thankfully my old views have returned and are forcing me to evaluate my life again and, in turn, that is pushing me towards making some radical changes. I want something much better and much more fulfilling than this and I know now that I’ll never find it here. I’ll definitely never find it in Palembang and probably not in Indonesia either. I’ve accepted that fact and I’ve resigned myself to that reality.

It’s time to make a move whether others like it or not. I’ve got to live for myself and make decisions that are best for me. I can’t allow myself to get mired in a situation here where I’m unable or unwilling to leave. I’ve got to look at life through my eyes and with realistic expectations. When I do that, I see so many other chances and opportunities that are too good to pass up. I just need a bit of time and reflection for it all to become clearer. That time is starting now. Wish me luck.